found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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