apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize