I'm going to jail i love you
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
