Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
