Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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