They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
