I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
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