I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
