you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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