he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
