oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
