tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Randomize
