Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
