Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
