Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
home. puking in laundry basket.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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