For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
