that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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