Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
