I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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