I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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