Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I touched a dick in church today
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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