I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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