she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize