Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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