Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
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