You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
We need a shit load of segways right now
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
