Apparently you make a good broom.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize