If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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