Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize