so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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