I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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