wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
