he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
