I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize