she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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