By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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