I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
