My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
