Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
