please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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