i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize