You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
