Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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