There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
