If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
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