I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
