hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
