its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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