The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
