my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
