I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
