and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
