Moan for me like Helen Keller
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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