i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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