is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
