i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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