fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
