Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize