I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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