They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
