My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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