apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
