I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
