I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
