Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
