I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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