He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
