Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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