remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
