I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
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