Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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